it's time

where to start?  should i delete my blog all together?
should i blog about "it"?
is "it" too personal?

this is a scary thing to blog about to the world. i'm opening up my heart and pouring out my feelings.  i don't want this to be all my blog is about, but it has been a huge part of our lives for the last 2 + years.

here goes. our ongoing journey to become parents...

i desperately want to be a mom. i've wanted it since i was a 5-year old playing with my dolls. okay, since i was a 12-year old still playing with my dolls. 
 april of 2009, i decided it was time.  i was ready to start our family.  after praying, and praying, and pondering, and praying some more, brett agreed it was the right time. i fully expected to be pregnant the next month. what was i thinking?
6 months passed, and my dad got sick. i was able to go in the hospital room, because i wasn't pregnant. i took (still do) that as a blessing from heavenly father. in my mind, it made sense. i was still not pregnant so i could spend time with my dad.
feb 2010: went to the dr and talked about what could be going on. stress, stress and more stress was the dr's answer.  made sense, my dad had just passed away.  the dr said, most likely you are pregnant right now because you are here to talk about trying to get pregnant. i tossed that comment aside, and thought he was crazy. 
march 2010.  i actually was pregnant! the dr was right. after a year, i was pregnant! yay!  i was due on thanksgiving day! march 21 (my bday), i miscarried. went into the dr, he said miscarriage was a way to weed out the bad. nice. time to get a new dr.
november 2010: cried thanksgiving day, i thought for sure i would be pregnant again before my due date came along. guess not...   made an appt with a new dr, and went in for a visit. came out feeling hopeful. very very hopeful.
december 2010.  started the eager trial study.  i had to moniter my cycle every day. i had  to journal everything i did, and everything i didn't. it was intense. it's a 6 month study- with an 84% success rate. this was it.  i'm being so proactive, and things will definately work out over the next few months!
january 2011. my love was tested. 24 out of 25, he is still proud of that!
february 2011.  went in for an HSG. things looked great, everything was clear.
march 2011.  i was pregnant again! yay! i was so excited, but i definately had to keep it quiet. we went to hawaii, and it was our own little secret we talked about the entire trip. i was exhausted.  i didn't miscarry in hawaii, and i was so happy! i made it further this time than last. 8 weeks, march 21 (my bday again..) i miscarried. went to the dr, and cried my eyes out. she was so understanding. they ran all kinds of blood tests, and called with the results.  everything looked normal, but she put me on baby aspirin, and will put me on heprin and progesterone when i get pregnant again. i felt so many different emotions over the next while, and to be honest i'm still feeling them. but there is hope.
august 2011. clomid. felt so hopeful and so positive.  failed.
september 2011 now. today.  i had a surgery last week.  we hope and pray everyday that this will do the trick. i go in for my post-op next week.  i love my dr, she is very proactive. 

i don't wish this trial on any couple. it is a hard one. i would be lying if i didn't say it hurt when others announce what we pray for every single day. i am happy for them, and i always hope that they haven't had to deal with the thoughts and emotions we have been dealing with.  it takes time for my heart to stop aching after someone has announced their news, but it does stop. and then there is always a sense of renewed hope and desire to press forward and do everything it takes to be able to hold my own baby someday.

the desire to start a family is strong. it is a righteous desire, and is what we have been taught we are to do here on earth.  it doesn't matter how old or young you are when you feel the time is right. i know i am young. i know i have "years" to have a family. i also know heavenly father has a plan for us as a family. i'm so grateful we started this 2 years ago when we felt we were supposed to. what if we would have waited? heavenly father knows us so much better than we know ourselves. this is our time to find out how to start our family. brett and i will do everything it takes to get our babies here. i know we will be parents, but it is a longer journey than we thought.

 in the meantime, we are trying to find joy in that journey.